remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
