dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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