just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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