Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

Fav 4 1360 1542
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(409): View more from Texas

Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.

Fav 12 1180 4386
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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

Fav 30 6385 2014
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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

Fav 6 2861 1205
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.

Fav 4 1955 791
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(+34): View more from Spain

First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?

Fav 8 2788 1427
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(770): View more from Georgia

He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.

Fav 12 803 2281
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(303): View more from Colorado

Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?

Fav 4 116 134
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(870): View more from Arkansas

Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.

Fav 0 15 24
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