I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
