I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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