Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
you never un-have a 4some
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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