the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
