Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
