just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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