Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
