I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
