saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize