youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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