she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
