quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
