You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
