overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
we're so committed to being not committed
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
