i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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