nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
