Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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