she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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