First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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