dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
