his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
