I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
