I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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