Need sex. Gaining weight.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
