I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
