Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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