Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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