tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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