The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
