Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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