im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
