heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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