i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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