He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
