is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
