I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We're like a lot better than the average bears
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
