Umm I'm too high to move.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
