I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
