It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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