four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize