and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
