we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
