The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
