I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
