I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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