All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize