Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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