His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
