Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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