I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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