I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
