No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
