I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
