Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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